question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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