If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
