I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
