I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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