I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
