well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
