dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
