he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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