Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
