I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
