do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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