Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
