I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
