I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
