I want to have your abortion
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
