Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.