fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian