I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work