Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?