The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
