Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
