Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
