Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
organizing the empties. That sober.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
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It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
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We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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