there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
