glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
