Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
