My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
