The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
