so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
