I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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