dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
