but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
