I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
