You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
