Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
