Dude my mom stole all your condoms
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
