Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
