I just threw up on my dentist
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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