I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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