its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
