i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
