home. puking in laundry basket.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
