Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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