either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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