I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
