I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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