why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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