my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
