I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize