a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we're making bets on your personal life
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Then you guys just all showered together...?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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