I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Pappa wants mamma naked
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
