I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
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