She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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