I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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