he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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