i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
