i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
