i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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