I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
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i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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