When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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